The Cup Finals start tonight and I have never cared less.
I don’t know if this is just me, but there are certain pro sports teams that stir-up 0 reaction out of me. Positive or negative, these teams just can’t cross the threshold in my mind that represents emotion. I choose to imagine that there is a literal barrier in my brain where this threshold is an actual physical thing. I’m picturing that children’s toy with plastic shapes. You know, that one where you can only push the triangle through the triangle hole, star through star, cylinder through cylinder etc… (pro tip: you can shove the half moon shape through the circle space if you just hammer that bitch hard).
So certain teams are shaped in a way where they can, for better or worse, fit through this barrier (cross the threshold)! The barrier is the the hollowed out plastic piece with different shapes etched out on the surfaces. So in this wildly moronic thought experiment, the different pro sport teams are the different shapes that can only fit through certain slots. And some teams just don’t have a plastic shape that can fit through any of the slots. These are the teams that I just don’t give a shit about.
Many other teams do cross the barrier and burrow deep into your emotions. They evoke at least a fraction of an interest from you. Whether its a certain team, player, city, jersey, mascot or whatever other variable, there are certainly plenty of reasons why sports fans give a shit . Any one of these variables can influence your ‘give a shit’ meter.
Kevin’s irrational and probably incorrect Definition of the day:
‘Giving a Shit’: -verb- *english/french origins* (Gi-Veeng-Ahh-Shit)
—Having an authentic, organic, and meaningful emotional interest in a team that is not influenced by gambling.—
2 sides of a shit sandwich :
The ‘give a shit’ meter has two sides. On the one side you have the teams/players that you root for. The hometown team its the classic example. But there are a number of different reasons why you may may give the slightest shit about the outcome of of a game. On the other side of the spectrum you have the teams/players that you root against. The former is definitely the preferable mode of giving a shit, however the latter is an unavoidable manifestation of sports fandom that results in an ugly, and often pitiful mode of giving a shit.
The bad kind of emotional investment
Let me be clear… This emotional investment is never intended. It is a byproduct of having teams that you root for. It can not be avoided. This is an egotistical, petty and completely unhealthy way of giving a shit. It’s basically like rooting for your friends to fail because you’re failing… not very nice right? But while I see how it is a poor way of dealing with my teams losing, I can’t help but give a shit… I love sports. I want to care about what I am watching. And caring for a team that I hate is still caring (and gives me something to watch on tv cuz I don’t have a life)
Juxtaposed to the original and far more popularized way of giving a shit, in this method, you are cheering for a certain team not to win. I want to point out this distinction between cheering for a team versus cheering for a team to not win. Let’s call team A the team that we hate and team B the opponent. Since team B is not a team that I give a shit about, I do not take feel any positive or negative emotion if that team wins. Rather, my emotional attachment is based solely on team A to not win.
Obviously you want your team to win the championship. But as hard as you may root for your favourite team to win, you probably root as hard, if not harder, against a rival team that has a chance of winning. At least I know I do.
I didn’t realize how much I gave a shit about a team I hated until the Spring of 2011. Enter the Vancouver Canucks. i hate them so much. I hate everything about them. The jerseys, the players, the fans, the logo, the announcers etc… Even typing about them has my blood pressure raised just a touch. And it seems to rise exponentially when i remember how painfully close they were to actually winning the Stanley Cup against the Bruins in 2011. I was absolutely locked in that whole playoffs. My give a shit meter needle was flying off the dial. But it was in the most horrific way.
I was glued in because that Stupid whale logo is able to permeate through my sport teams barrier and cause me to give a shit. Not because I enjoy them. But because my Flames are their arch-rival, and as much as I hate to admit it, they definitely are a team I care about. Watching them lose was one of the most satisfying sport moments I’ve ever had. Watching their moronic fans burn their own city was just icing on the cake. But that satisfaction only comes if the team moves you emotionally; positively or negatively.
So lets get to this years finals
I do not give a shit. My brain barrier blocks both these teams from entering my emotional domain.The Bruins are under the umbrella of Boston sports, so one might argue that they represent a good rooting against opportunity. However, this is balanced out with the fact that Leafs fans hate the Bruins so much. And that balance is what prevents the Bruins from making me care whether they win or lose. If they win, it will be funny from the perspective of how hard they have owned the Leafs and I kind of don’t mind the Bruins because they didn’t let the Canucks win the Cup. If they lose, it will mean that Boston won’t get to celebrate another title and we won’t have to see this kid for at least another few months.
So ultimately, I don’t really care one way or the other if the Bruins win or lose. Give a shit meter = 3.5
Unlike the Bruins, the St Louis Blues qualify as one of those unfortunate teams to permanently remain trapped on the outer wall of my emotional threshold.
Symptoms of being a team I don’t give a shit about:
- Lack of star players
- Being in the central time zone
- Having a bottom 5 payroll
- Being in Cincinnati
• Being in Arizona
- Having dwight howard on your roster
- Being in Carolina
Unfortunately, there are some unfortunate cases where a team may be asymptomatic, yet still be unable to cross the threshold. These cases are tragic because I cannot pinpoint a reason why I don’t care about a particular team. I simply have no interest in ever watching them regardless of what they may have going for them. For me, these teams include the Houston Texans, New York Islanders and the Pittsburgh Pirates. From all accounts, these are pretty good franchises that do not display any signs of being uninteresting. But for some reason, regardless of roster, season, logo or anything else that would alter my feelings of a team, I have never given a shit about them.
Now this brings me to the St Louis Blues. They have always been a team I don’t care about and there are plenty of reasons for it. The first being that they are located in the wretched Central Time Zone. This is a super personal no-no in my book. i hate games that start at 6 pm my time (mountain). Its always just right in the middle of the early game and late game. I’ll admit that this is a pretty wild, and certainly irrational take that I have but it is what it is. Sorry Central Time, you suck!
The blues are also pretty classic for never having a top 10 superstar player on their team. They’re always known as being a really good ‘team’ with a lot of ‘good’ players. They rank second in the NHL inorder of teams I am least interested in . They’ve always been a completely meh team in my mind. I never liked them, never hated them. Never loved any of their players, never hated them. Never cared if they made the next round or if they got knocked out. Just completely bland. I didn’t ask for this. This is just how it worked. The Blue Note logo just couldn’t finagle its way through the hole. Give a shit meter: 1.6/10
And so now you see why I don’t really care about these finals. So in the spirit of that i Thought I would do something totally irrelevant to this years finals… Without further ado, here is my Cup Preview for if these teams faced each other in 1999.
Blues (37-32-13): Eliminated in conference Semi-Final
Head Coach – Joel Quenneville (Had absolutely no idea he was ever the coach of the Blues)
Captain: Chris Pronger
Leading Scorer: Pavol Demitra 89 points
This Blues team is really interesting. It’s got a nice mix of youth and experience. Leading the way are 24 year old superstars Pavol Demitra and Chris Pronger. The fact that this team has two of the league’s most talented young studs, along with coach Q, It feels like they definitely should have won, or at least competed for a cup. But then I start to look at the remainder of their roster and it becomes pretty easy to see why this team couldn’t get over the hump. Here are my top takeaways:
- Al Macinnis was their third leading scorer at the age of 35
- Goalie tandem of Grant Fuhr and Jamie McLennan combined for an 891 sv pct
- Marc Bergevin threw a puck into his own net. People forget
- Pavel Demitra was an absolute stud. 89 points on a line with Scott Young and Pierre Turgeon. Next highest point getter was Turgeon with 65. One of the most underrated players I can ever remember. RIP
- Second line centre is Craig Conroy
Overall, this team is pretty top-heavy. They are going to have to rely on their top dogs to produce. The star power is there, but they will need to get some secondary scoring if they want to have a chance. Additionally, their goaltending has to step it up in a big way.
Boston Bruins (39-30-13) Eliminated in Conference Semi Final
Head Coach – Pat Burns
Captain – Ray Bourque
Leading Scorer – Jason Allison 76 points
The first thing that struck me with this Bruins team is how similar they seem to be constructed to the Blues. 23 year old Jason Allison is a star on the rise in this league. Meanwhile, the experience is also there as 38 year old Ray Bourque leads the team in ice time. This team is dangerous as they have 4 lines that they roll. With 4 of their top 6 scorers under the age of 25, the Bruins will have to show maturity beyond their years in order to have a chance at the Cup.
Here are some takeaways from this Bruins team:
- Ray Bourque is third in team scoring
- Joe Thornton is 19 years old and has a 41 point sophomore season
- Sergei Samsonov is 20 years old and has 51 points. (This guy was so good)
- Don Sweeney is on the blueline
- Byron Dafoe is British according to hockey reference
- Their third line centre was Tim Taylor
Conclusion and Prediction
All in all I think this is a really good matchup. Both teams are striving to win a championship for their respective future Hall of Fame D-men. Additionally, they both have some really nice young talent. I think this series is going to come down to the goaltending. One of Grant Fuhr or Jamie Noodles McLennan will have to grab the starting job and run with it. If neither of them can get hot, I find it hard to see a way for the Blues to slow down snipers like Jason Allison and Anson Carter. If one of them can take the reigns and provide adequate goaltending, I could see this series going the distance.
The young Bruins forwards will be in tough against the pair of Pronger and Macinnis. These guys are probably looking at 30 minutes a night on average. As long as goaltending doesn’t sink them, I like the way the Blues D matches up with the Bruins attack. I think this ultimately tips the scales in the Blues favour.
Prediction: Blues in 7
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